I am tired of putting on this stupid pretence anymore. As i dont intend to post on tumblr for a while as i need to get my life sorted out properly i might aswell make this some sort of farewell post.
Back in February i dumped my girlfriend of over four years. Why? Because i thought by doing it it would kick start my life in which i wanted it to be. She wanted a life of 2point4 children, a nice house, security and whatever other social norms are out there. I, wanted the continuation of acting like i am still a student and aslong as I am happy, where and the conditions that i life in arent that important.
You’ll see the pattern of this being me, me, me, i, i, i. Not thinking of the one person who actually understood me and cared for me. Selfish cunt i know. I’ve had many relationships before, some good, some bad. But none before where i truely loved the other person and she truely loved me back.
Basically as soon as i made the decision, i regretted it immediatly. Not because i missed the affection or attention (which i obviously did) but i missed the fact that she made me the person who i truely wanted to be but couldnt admit it to myself. The person who wants the 2point4 children, nice house etc etc.
Since then, ive tried to win her back. But deep down i knew it would be futile (if i was in her shoes, why the fuck would i want me back) and today this was confirmed to me.
Another thing that ive found hard to admit to myself, is my own mental well being. For many years ive gone through times of abject depression. Like everyone we have our bad days or weeks, and for years i have been able to keep those under some sort of control.
However, 2 weeks ago i tried to kill myself. I took every bit of medication i could find in my flat. But ultimatley as soon as i swallowed them all, i vomited them back up again. Why? Because, i realised my life isnt fucked up enough to let myself to do that to me and the people i know.
I didnt do all of that just because of my breakup, it was a factor of course; but i was (and still am) not happy with the way my life has turned out. Not to put it arrogantly, i am intelligent, with a good degree from an alright university, subject to a life of working in customer services, chatting to dick heads on the phone for 8 hours a day. Living in a town that i dislike. I have a number of friends; but they are not the type of friends who i would admit any of this too, i have known them for many years but i just dont think they would understand. Only one, do i truely trust, and for her i am sincerley thankful for being there for me.
However, i hate myself for feeling like this because i know 99% of the worlds population has it much worse than i. And i feel selfish for even thinking that my life is shit, because i know its really not. But i just cant find a way of getting out of this deep hole.
Tomorrow, i am going to have to go to work as normal and put a smile on and say “im fine”, while all i want to do is shut myself away from humanity.
I have been putting it off for a while, but i will go to the doctors this week, because i know i need help, i suppose i have just found it all too embarassing to have to admit to someone that i have a problem.
Louise, i know you will read this, but i am trying so hard to not make you feel guilty. Though i dont want to agree with your decision, i can respect your conclusion. If i could turn back time, i would. But alas i dont have a Deloreon and be able to do that. I really hope you find the person who you truely deserve. I just wish that person was me. It is such a cliche, but i do love you to the moon and back and i always will. I am just sorry i didnt always show you that when i was with you.
At this very moment, i want to be able to say i can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but i cant. I just want things to be how they once where. No, thats a lie, i want her back in my life but me as a better person.
I know this post have been the ultimate self-serving attention seeking drivel, so apologies for that. But i guess something like tumblr is the best way to get my thoughts out of my head in the quickest way possible without the reprecussions like on facebook of people fake caring.
I never intended this blog to be how it has somehow become, a mixture of emo quotes and pictures with reggae video and silly sometimes un-pc jpegs (i wanted it to be soley the two latter things). This is why i am stopping posting for a while to get my head into shape.
Stay blessed everyone.